What the hell. It is 2021 now. 

I have not written here for more than 10 years. I'm just here to read some old posts... and realised nothing much has changed for me. Love luck is not by my side. So I ended up dating the guy who I mentioned before this post for close to 2 years. It was a bittersweet relationship. We have many good memories as well as very bad ones. But it's ok. We are still friends till this date. 

 However, I'm facing the same situation right now with another boy. When will I ever learned my lesson? When will I stop jumping into situationship? You know that you always lose in situationship because you are a very emotional girl. You think you can control your feelings but you can't. Have you ever won in any situationships? Never. So stop hurting yourself. 

 I'm already 31 years old this year. How things didn't change. Will I ever find someone who treats me right? 

 Maybe I should check back this blog 10 years later.

Want to and need to

Have you ever had an opposite sex whom you were close to but not officially together? You constantly message the person everyday. You want to message him. You want to talk to him everyday. The both of you clearly showed interests towards each other. However, you guys knew that y'all will not end up together. Both of you just want things to remain this way.. You are just going to enjoy his accompany.

And then, this relationship turned out to be a little serious. Jealousy joined in the fun. Slowly, you want to know where he is, what he is eating, what he is doing, what he is thinking, or who he is hanging out with. And he is constantly on your mind. Then you become paranoid. You starts to feel insecure.

Then you started to act crazy and it gets the other person worried. You become quieter and stop being yourself. You keep things to yourself. You are afraid that the other person will find out what you are thinking. Because once he knows, that's it, the whole game is over. Things will become awkward. And you always wonder how much longer can you take because you want something more out of this relationship. You want security, you want assurance.

For my case, it is even worse.

The guy admitted that he was just playing with me in the beginning. He said, "I can't bring myself to be together with you". The reason he gave was that he falls in love easily with other girls. He is afraid of hurting me once he started university. He will meet someone new and fall in love with her. So he doesn't want to be together with me.

BUT,

all these were said to me because he doesn't want me to like him. So he said that to make me aware that I can't get anything serious out from him.

And as times passed by, he finds himself liking me. And he regretted saying those things to me. Because I believed in it and controlled my emotions. I was all prepared that he is going to leave me one day. And we will not be together. It was all too late. I choose to believe that he will fall in love with another girl as soon as he goes to University. Another part of me was insecure. So I choose to avoid this relationship.

I still likes him. And I miss him everyday.

Ex-pected

Yea. Me and the cabbage boy has not been talking for more than a week already. I guessed everything between us is over. Sorry for not taking initiative. I'm tired.

"sheryl, just let the boys chase you." - Weizhe

hello ego friend

Its been a longgggg time since I last blogged here. Life the same, but people in my heart changed. In these few months, this special person come and go. The next one came and then broke my heart and left, again. Now, there's this new special person in my life.

We have so many similarities. We're both left handers, we've perfect eyesight. We even like the same kind of food. But things between us are really strange. When we met up, we seldom talk. We will talk to everyone else but not to each other. I don't know if it is that he doesn't bother to talk to me or he is shy like I do. Because from previous experiences, it is usually that the other person just doesn't want to talk to me because they knew that I like them and doesn't want to raise my hope.

However, we always ended up sitting beside/infront of each other naturally. Friends teased us but he doesn't react (maybe he cannot be bothered). Everyone knew that I like him. He also knew because I was very obvious. His friends told me that he is a passive boy and I have to initiate a lot. But I'm only a girl. I have my own ego as well.

Anyway, I bet this will be another fail relationship. It has always been like that for me and I'm already used to it. BAA.

So what happens when a Pisces met a Scorpio?

I have stay too far away from love. I have not been in a relationship for a long time. Its makes me wonder how do I even start it, what to do in it, and how to maintain it. It has been that long that I've already totally forgotten how and what to do with it.

I've realised that I've always been avoiding love because I know I'd always end up being hurt. I'm not confident of myself, at all. Even if the boy I like, likes me back, I'd still say no to a new relationship. I'm afraid.

I've seen too many break ups around me. Friends. Friend's friends. And the reasons are always expected. I've seen too many jerks around me as well. Guys who want a girl just cos she's pretty. Love has become superficial. Where has all the true love go to? When a guy just fall in love with a nice girl that he feels comfortable with, that he can talks to easily and that he wants to dote and to love her for who she is.

I've heard conversations that guys talk about, and it only makes me certain that guys are just disappointing and sometimes hopeless. But still, I've know a few nice guys around :)

The situations that I am seeing now is that the boy/girl is interested in the other partner because he/she is pretty/handsome. Then they tried to be together and then they'll realised that they are not suitable for each other.

I prefer a love that blossoms out from small chats, teasing, arguments. Because of all these, I fall in love with you.

Its like even if both of them are in silence, they'd still feel very comfortable with each other.

If you don't even understand my silence, you won't understand my words.